This, now, is very difficult to write about, and I’m not sure if I’ll actually publish this to the public. It may be gated content.

I really don’t know what to do. In 2020, within the span of 6 months, I have lost my husband (Mrs. Smith’s Son), my Father (Mr. Robert W. McLendon who worked as an engineer for General Dynamics, Lockheed, etc.), my best friend from kindergarten (Megan McMillan Hamilton, brilliant, funny, caring, sharp-witted, hilarious partner in crime). I didn’t even know how to process the loss of my husband, much less losing all those other people in 2020. NONE of the deaths were due to COVID-19.

Then friends started dropping like flies.  In July of 2022, I lost my best friend and secret lawyer weapon Rachel Ambler in a car wreck. She was my bestie from High School (www.tvs.org). I’ll never love another woman so much – she was amazing. And I’ve lost at least three other people here in 2022. Anyway. All these people are dropping like flies. I hope I can get my message through to Mrs. Judith Smith of New York City (ex head of Asian Arts at the www.metmuseum.org, Yes, THE Metropolitan Museum) before something happens to her. She’s getting up there in years, but she has taken such good care of herself – minus the smoking – that I think she could live to a ripe old age. Her only remaining offspring is Campbell, the abandoned grandson. The Smith name could go on, but we may change our names back to McLendon so his name can live on…

I have no right to use this photo, but it sums up my feelings.

So, there’s all this grief. I’ve been to grief groups. I’ve been to psychiatrists. I’ve been to therapists. I’ve even leaned hard on Vodka for a minute. I’m all alone in a really harsh world, but I have to move forward and keep my head up. Thank God for my friends! My Boulder Creek girls keep me laughing and get real with me via Zoom. My Ft. Worth Girls who keep me on the good path and aren’t afraid to tell me when I am getting weird (Thank you, Courtney). My Sister, who is REALLY my best friend of all time, but she’s my sister, so that’s a given, right? Or am I just freaking that blessed?  My Colorado boys, you know who you are… My Ft. Worth boys… I think of you often, my friends! Anyway, I really had to reach out through Social Media (thank you, @facebook) since a huge percentage of my support network disappeared. There was a time recently when I couldn’t even cry. It lasted for about six months. But finally, I took a trip home from the beautiful Pacific Northwest to beautiful Texas to go help move my mother into hospice care. Yes, there’s another one coming. I got to see some friends, I got to laugh with my sister, I got to see an amazing friend, I got to sprinkle some of Smitty’s ashes on the SMU Lacrosse Stadium entrance. (Shhhh, I think the Mustangs frown on that?)  And I got to cry a little.

Then, when I got back from Texas, which I miss, painfully I really felt like I was home.  At least it’s part of my home. I miss Colorado, beautiful Crested Butte, more than any place I’ve been. OH, my heart! But, through all this grief, through all these changes (Oh, yes! I started menopause, too!)

Long story short, I feel like I belong in the PNW (Pacific Northwest to those who don’t know?). But these people can be SO HARSH, especially the women. More about that later, ok? I just wanted to say that I don’t know quite what to do with all this grief, but I’m keeping calm and carrying on.